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.Just leave me alone!"For a long moment after Peter's outburst there was silence.Sitting there in the darkned room, he could almost feel her rage building—any instant now he expected to hear her start screaming.Then he would scream back, and she would get up and break something, and he would grab her, and then the knives would come out in earnest.He closed his eyes, trembling, feeling close to tears.He didn't want this, he thought.He really didn't.But Kathy fooled him.When she spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle."Oh, Peter," she said."I never meant to hurt you.Please.I love you."He was stunned."Love me?" he said wonderingly."Please listen.If there is anything at all left between us, please just listen to me for a few minutes.Please.""All right," he said."Peter, Idid believe in you once.Surely you must remember how good things were in the beginning? I was supportive then, wasn't I?The first few years, when you were writing your novel? I worked, I kept food on the table, I gave you the time to write.""Oh, yes," he said, anger creeping back into his tone.Kathy had thrown that at him before, had reminded him forcefully of how she'd supported them for two years while he wrote a book that turned out to be so much waste paper."Spare me your reproaches, huh? It wasn't my fault I couldn't sell the book.You heard what Bunnish said.""I wasn't reproaching you, damn it!" she snapped."Why are you always so ready to read criticism into every word I say?" She shook her head, and got her voice back under control."Please, Peter, don't make this harder than it is.We have so many years of pain to overcome, so many wounds to bind up.Just hear me out."I was trying to say that I did believe in you.Even after the book, after you burned it… even then.You made it hard, though.I didn't think you were a failure, but you did, and it changed you, Peter.You let it get to you.You gave up writing, instead of just gritting your teeth and doing another book.""I wasn't tough enough, I know," he said."The loser.The weakling.""Shut up!" she said in exasperation."I didn't say that, you did.Then you went into journalism.I still believed.But everything kept going wrong.You got fired, you got sued, you became a disgrace.Our friends started drifting away.And Page 80ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlall the time you insisted that none of it was your fault.You lost all the rest of your self-confidence.You didn't dream any more.You whined, bitterly and incessantly, about your bad luck.""You never helped.""Maybe not," Kathy admitted."I tried to, at the start, but it just got worse and worse and I couldn't deal with it.You weren't the dreamer I'd married.It was hard to remember how I'd admired you, how I'd respected you.Peter, you loathed yourself so much that there was no way to keep the loathing from rubbing off on me.""So?" Peter said."What's the point, Kathy?""I never left you, Peter," she said."I could have, you know.I wanted to.I stayed, through all of it, all the failures and all the self-pity.Doesn't that say anything to you?""It says you're a masochist," he snapped."Or maybe a sadist."That was too much for her.She started to reply, and her voice broke, and she began to weep.Peter sat where he was and listened to her cry.Finally the tears ran out, and she said, quietly, "Damn you.Damn you.I hate you.""I thought you loved me.Make up your mind.""You ass.You insensitive creep.Don't you understand, Peter?""Understand what?" he said impatiently."You said listen, so I've been listening, and all you've been doing is rehashing all the same old stuff, recounting all my inadequacies.I heard it all before.""Peter, can't you see that this week has changed everything? If you'd only stop hating, stop loathing me and yourself, maybe you could see it.We have a chance again, Peter.If we try.Please.""I don't see that anything has changed.I'm going to play a big chess game tomorrow, and you know how much it means to me and my self respect, and you don't care.You don't care if I win or lose.You keep telling me I'm going to lose.You're helping me to lose by making me argue when I should be sleeping.What the hell has changed? You're the same damn bitch you've been for years.""I will tell you what has changed," she said."Peter, up until a few days ago, both of us thought you were a failure.But you aren't!It hasn't been your fault.None of it.Not bad luck, like you kept saying, and not personal inadequacy either, like you really thought.Bunnish has done it all.Can't you see what a difference that makes? You've never had a chance, Peter, but you have one now.There's no reason you shouldn't believe in yourself.We know you can do great things!Bunnish admitted it.We can leave here, you and I, and start all over again.You could write another book, write plays, do anything you want.You have the talent.You've never lacked it.We can dream again, believe again, love each other again.Don't you see? Bunnish had to gloat to complete his revenge, but by gloating he's freed you!"Peter sat very still in the dark room, his hand clenching and unclenching on the arm of the chair as Kathy's words sunk in.He had been so wrapped up in the chess game, so obsessed with Bunnish's obsession, that he had never seen it, never considered it.It wasn't me, he thought wonderingly.All those years, it was never me."It's true," he said in a small voice."Peter?" she said, concerned.He heard the concern, heard more than that, heard love in her voice.So many people, he thought, make such grand promises, promise better or worse, promise rich or poorer, and bail out as soon as things turn the least bit sour in a relationship [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Just leave me alone!"For a long moment after Peter's outburst there was silence.Sitting there in the darkned room, he could almost feel her rage building—any instant now he expected to hear her start screaming.Then he would scream back, and she would get up and break something, and he would grab her, and then the knives would come out in earnest.He closed his eyes, trembling, feeling close to tears.He didn't want this, he thought.He really didn't.But Kathy fooled him.When she spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle."Oh, Peter," she said."I never meant to hurt you.Please.I love you."He was stunned."Love me?" he said wonderingly."Please listen.If there is anything at all left between us, please just listen to me for a few minutes.Please.""All right," he said."Peter, Idid believe in you once.Surely you must remember how good things were in the beginning? I was supportive then, wasn't I?The first few years, when you were writing your novel? I worked, I kept food on the table, I gave you the time to write.""Oh, yes," he said, anger creeping back into his tone.Kathy had thrown that at him before, had reminded him forcefully of how she'd supported them for two years while he wrote a book that turned out to be so much waste paper."Spare me your reproaches, huh? It wasn't my fault I couldn't sell the book.You heard what Bunnish said.""I wasn't reproaching you, damn it!" she snapped."Why are you always so ready to read criticism into every word I say?" She shook her head, and got her voice back under control."Please, Peter, don't make this harder than it is.We have so many years of pain to overcome, so many wounds to bind up.Just hear me out."I was trying to say that I did believe in you.Even after the book, after you burned it… even then.You made it hard, though.I didn't think you were a failure, but you did, and it changed you, Peter.You let it get to you.You gave up writing, instead of just gritting your teeth and doing another book.""I wasn't tough enough, I know," he said."The loser.The weakling.""Shut up!" she said in exasperation."I didn't say that, you did.Then you went into journalism.I still believed.But everything kept going wrong.You got fired, you got sued, you became a disgrace.Our friends started drifting away.And Page 80ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlall the time you insisted that none of it was your fault.You lost all the rest of your self-confidence.You didn't dream any more.You whined, bitterly and incessantly, about your bad luck.""You never helped.""Maybe not," Kathy admitted."I tried to, at the start, but it just got worse and worse and I couldn't deal with it.You weren't the dreamer I'd married.It was hard to remember how I'd admired you, how I'd respected you.Peter, you loathed yourself so much that there was no way to keep the loathing from rubbing off on me.""So?" Peter said."What's the point, Kathy?""I never left you, Peter," she said."I could have, you know.I wanted to.I stayed, through all of it, all the failures and all the self-pity.Doesn't that say anything to you?""It says you're a masochist," he snapped."Or maybe a sadist."That was too much for her.She started to reply, and her voice broke, and she began to weep.Peter sat where he was and listened to her cry.Finally the tears ran out, and she said, quietly, "Damn you.Damn you.I hate you.""I thought you loved me.Make up your mind.""You ass.You insensitive creep.Don't you understand, Peter?""Understand what?" he said impatiently."You said listen, so I've been listening, and all you've been doing is rehashing all the same old stuff, recounting all my inadequacies.I heard it all before.""Peter, can't you see that this week has changed everything? If you'd only stop hating, stop loathing me and yourself, maybe you could see it.We have a chance again, Peter.If we try.Please.""I don't see that anything has changed.I'm going to play a big chess game tomorrow, and you know how much it means to me and my self respect, and you don't care.You don't care if I win or lose.You keep telling me I'm going to lose.You're helping me to lose by making me argue when I should be sleeping.What the hell has changed? You're the same damn bitch you've been for years.""I will tell you what has changed," she said."Peter, up until a few days ago, both of us thought you were a failure.But you aren't!It hasn't been your fault.None of it.Not bad luck, like you kept saying, and not personal inadequacy either, like you really thought.Bunnish has done it all.Can't you see what a difference that makes? You've never had a chance, Peter, but you have one now.There's no reason you shouldn't believe in yourself.We know you can do great things!Bunnish admitted it.We can leave here, you and I, and start all over again.You could write another book, write plays, do anything you want.You have the talent.You've never lacked it.We can dream again, believe again, love each other again.Don't you see? Bunnish had to gloat to complete his revenge, but by gloating he's freed you!"Peter sat very still in the dark room, his hand clenching and unclenching on the arm of the chair as Kathy's words sunk in.He had been so wrapped up in the chess game, so obsessed with Bunnish's obsession, that he had never seen it, never considered it.It wasn't me, he thought wonderingly.All those years, it was never me."It's true," he said in a small voice."Peter?" she said, concerned.He heard the concern, heard more than that, heard love in her voice.So many people, he thought, make such grand promises, promise better or worse, promise rich or poorer, and bail out as soon as things turn the least bit sour in a relationship [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]