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.I dasked USA Cycling for a lot: extra bikes, extra mechanics, and specialaccommodations, and then I didn t win.I stood up and offered a toast, and anapology. I just want everyone to know how sorry I am, I said. I know how much effortyou all put into helping me get here, and into being here.I appreciate everythingeverybody did, and I just want you to know that.I couldn t have gone any harder,any faster.And I m sorry that I didn t win. The next day was October 2, and Kik planned a trip for us into the Australian winecountry, but by then my disappointment at losing the gold had seeped into me.Itried to enjoy the day, sampling the local wines, as we had lunch on a beautifulterrace overlooking the countryside.But I struggled to make conversation, and bythe end of the day I was all but wordless.The next morning I flew toSan Franciscofor a long-standing speakingengagement.I was still upset with myself when I landed, and when I called Kik tocheck in, she could hear it in my voice.Suddenly, she was upset, too. You know, I ve never been more proud of you than when you lost, she said. But you just don t get it.You don t get it at all.You re just being moody toeverybody around you.You took a perfect day, when we had everything to bethankful for, and you ruined it. She was right, and I knew it.I apologized, and gave some thought to winning andlosing, and how to handle each.When you win, you don t examine it very much,except to congratulate yourself.You can easily, and wrongly, assume it hassomething to do with your rare qualities as a person.But winning only measureshow hard you ve worked and how physically talented you are; it doesn tparticularly define you beyond those characteristics.Losing, on the other hand, really does say something about who you are.Among the things it measures are: do you blame others, or do you own the loss? Do youanalyze your failure, or just complain about bad luck?If you re willing to examine failure, and to look not just at your outward physicalperformance, but your internal workings, too, losing can be valuable.How youbehave in those moments can perhaps be more self-defining than winning couldever be.Sometimes losing shows you for who you really are.The following day I flew home to begin the off-season with an attitude adjustment.Luke took his first steps, and we celebrated his birthday at Chuy s Mexicanrestaurant. He told me that s where he wants to eat, I said.Luke scribbled on themenu, crushed tortilla chips all over the floor, and ate quesadillas, while Kik and Ihad long-awaited margarita swirls.Kik surprised me by hanging the bronze medal in a place of honor.She continuedto insist that it was one of her favorite days.I looked at her like she was crazy. My goal was the gold, I said. My point exactly, she said.Maybe the difference between a boy and a grown man, and the differencebetween a chipped shoulder and nice smooth lines, is the way you handle yourselfwhen you don t get what you want. I was never prouder, she said, not for onesingle second.Not even on the Champs-Elysées in the summers of 1999 or 2000.Itwas one of the happiest things I ve ever seen in my life.Because you wanted thatgold medal really bad, and you d never really tell anyone that.But you wanted it. She was right about that. Yeah, but I didn t get it, I said.I d failed. You know what? she said. A day will come when Luke will miss the mark, andfail.He will be brokenhearted, and he will think his champion dad will neverunderstand.But there will be this videotape, of a day inSydneythat he was tooyoung to remember, but where an example of how to lose was set.And I ll show itto him, and tell him that I never loved you more. On Thanksgiving Dayof 2000, shortly after I got back from the Olympics, Frenchauthorities announced I was under criminal investigation for doping.I was dumbfounded.I wasn t just being called acheat, I was being called a felon,under formal investigation. I picked up the phone and called Bill Stapleton, who was taking a holiday walk inthe park with his wife and family. What the hell is going on? I said.Bill promisedto find out and get back to me.After a while, he called back. It s ridiculous, hesaid. But we re going to have to be patient. What happened was this: during the Tour, someone surreptitiously videotapedtwo of our medical staff as they threw away a couple of trash bags.The tape wassent anonymously to a government prosecutor, as well as to theFrance3 televisionstation.Now the station was airing the tape while sensationally reporting our suspicious behavior as we disposed of medical waste. French authorities had responded by launching a full-scale judicial inquiry.I made some calls, and tried to figure out how we could be in such a situation.According to our team doctor and chiropractor, after a Tour stage in Morzine, theyhad bagged up the garbage left over from our medical care as they normally did.They didn t want to leave it at the hotel where we had stayed, however, becausethe more unsavory media was always picking through our garbage in its relentlesshunt to prove me a doper, and we resented it.So they decided to frustrate thepress by taking it from the hotel in Morzine and throwing it away in a roadsidegarbage can.This was their suspicious behavior. The medical waste consisted of some wrappers and cotton swabs and emptyboxes, nothing more.InFrance, as in this country, there are strict rules about how toproperly dispose of any serious medical products such as syringes and IV needles.Those had been handled as required, placed in yellow biohazard containers thatwere picked up by a French medical-waste service.I immediately issued an angry denial through our Postal spokesman, DanOsipow.Our team had zero tolerance for any form of doping, we said.It soundedlike the usual clichéd statement, but we meant it.We were absolutely innocent.But it quickly became apparent that innocence might not matter.The judicialsystem inFranceseemed to be the reverse of American law, with no presumption ofinnocence, and what little I knew suggested that French legal authorities didn tneed much evidence to act.I worried that when I returned to my home inFrance,they could decide to handcuff me, in front of the world, and haul me off.Our first concern was to obtain a French lawyer, a gentleman named GeorgeKiejman, and he explained the system to us.There was ajuge d instruction , orexamining judge, who evaluated evidence and functioned similar to a grand juryinAmerica [ Pobierz caÅ‚ość w formacie PDF ]
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.I dasked USA Cycling for a lot: extra bikes, extra mechanics, and specialaccommodations, and then I didn t win.I stood up and offered a toast, and anapology. I just want everyone to know how sorry I am, I said. I know how much effortyou all put into helping me get here, and into being here.I appreciate everythingeverybody did, and I just want you to know that.I couldn t have gone any harder,any faster.And I m sorry that I didn t win. The next day was October 2, and Kik planned a trip for us into the Australian winecountry, but by then my disappointment at losing the gold had seeped into me.Itried to enjoy the day, sampling the local wines, as we had lunch on a beautifulterrace overlooking the countryside.But I struggled to make conversation, and bythe end of the day I was all but wordless.The next morning I flew toSan Franciscofor a long-standing speakingengagement.I was still upset with myself when I landed, and when I called Kik tocheck in, she could hear it in my voice.Suddenly, she was upset, too. You know, I ve never been more proud of you than when you lost, she said. But you just don t get it.You don t get it at all.You re just being moody toeverybody around you.You took a perfect day, when we had everything to bethankful for, and you ruined it. She was right, and I knew it.I apologized, and gave some thought to winning andlosing, and how to handle each.When you win, you don t examine it very much,except to congratulate yourself.You can easily, and wrongly, assume it hassomething to do with your rare qualities as a person.But winning only measureshow hard you ve worked and how physically talented you are; it doesn tparticularly define you beyond those characteristics.Losing, on the other hand, really does say something about who you are.Among the things it measures are: do you blame others, or do you own the loss? Do youanalyze your failure, or just complain about bad luck?If you re willing to examine failure, and to look not just at your outward physicalperformance, but your internal workings, too, losing can be valuable.How youbehave in those moments can perhaps be more self-defining than winning couldever be.Sometimes losing shows you for who you really are.The following day I flew home to begin the off-season with an attitude adjustment.Luke took his first steps, and we celebrated his birthday at Chuy s Mexicanrestaurant. He told me that s where he wants to eat, I said.Luke scribbled on themenu, crushed tortilla chips all over the floor, and ate quesadillas, while Kik and Ihad long-awaited margarita swirls.Kik surprised me by hanging the bronze medal in a place of honor.She continuedto insist that it was one of her favorite days.I looked at her like she was crazy. My goal was the gold, I said. My point exactly, she said.Maybe the difference between a boy and a grown man, and the differencebetween a chipped shoulder and nice smooth lines, is the way you handle yourselfwhen you don t get what you want. I was never prouder, she said, not for onesingle second.Not even on the Champs-Elysées in the summers of 1999 or 2000.Itwas one of the happiest things I ve ever seen in my life.Because you wanted thatgold medal really bad, and you d never really tell anyone that.But you wanted it. She was right about that. Yeah, but I didn t get it, I said.I d failed. You know what? she said. A day will come when Luke will miss the mark, andfail.He will be brokenhearted, and he will think his champion dad will neverunderstand.But there will be this videotape, of a day inSydneythat he was tooyoung to remember, but where an example of how to lose was set.And I ll show itto him, and tell him that I never loved you more. On Thanksgiving Dayof 2000, shortly after I got back from the Olympics, Frenchauthorities announced I was under criminal investigation for doping.I was dumbfounded.I wasn t just being called acheat, I was being called a felon,under formal investigation. I picked up the phone and called Bill Stapleton, who was taking a holiday walk inthe park with his wife and family. What the hell is going on? I said.Bill promisedto find out and get back to me.After a while, he called back. It s ridiculous, hesaid. But we re going to have to be patient. What happened was this: during the Tour, someone surreptitiously videotapedtwo of our medical staff as they threw away a couple of trash bags.The tape wassent anonymously to a government prosecutor, as well as to theFrance3 televisionstation.Now the station was airing the tape while sensationally reporting our suspicious behavior as we disposed of medical waste. French authorities had responded by launching a full-scale judicial inquiry.I made some calls, and tried to figure out how we could be in such a situation.According to our team doctor and chiropractor, after a Tour stage in Morzine, theyhad bagged up the garbage left over from our medical care as they normally did.They didn t want to leave it at the hotel where we had stayed, however, becausethe more unsavory media was always picking through our garbage in its relentlesshunt to prove me a doper, and we resented it.So they decided to frustrate thepress by taking it from the hotel in Morzine and throwing it away in a roadsidegarbage can.This was their suspicious behavior. The medical waste consisted of some wrappers and cotton swabs and emptyboxes, nothing more.InFrance, as in this country, there are strict rules about how toproperly dispose of any serious medical products such as syringes and IV needles.Those had been handled as required, placed in yellow biohazard containers thatwere picked up by a French medical-waste service.I immediately issued an angry denial through our Postal spokesman, DanOsipow.Our team had zero tolerance for any form of doping, we said.It soundedlike the usual clichéd statement, but we meant it.We were absolutely innocent.But it quickly became apparent that innocence might not matter.The judicialsystem inFranceseemed to be the reverse of American law, with no presumption ofinnocence, and what little I knew suggested that French legal authorities didn tneed much evidence to act.I worried that when I returned to my home inFrance,they could decide to handcuff me, in front of the world, and haul me off.Our first concern was to obtain a French lawyer, a gentleman named GeorgeKiejman, and he explained the system to us.There was ajuge d instruction , orexamining judge, who evaluated evidence and functioned similar to a grand juryinAmerica [ Pobierz caÅ‚ość w formacie PDF ]