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. Some things can t be replaced.People can t be replaced.Mybrothers, every one of them, are a pain in the ass sometimes, but there d be a huge hole in my heartwithout any one of them.Mac, her mom.Those are the people who matter to me.I ve got a circle offriends who matter to me, some who ve led me astray sometimes, I said, smirking, but that was halfof the fun. She smiled, nodding. And you, baby.You matter to me. I wanted to touch her, to draw her into my arms, but Iwanted to use my words to influence her this time, not my body. You matter to me too, she whispered.Setting her hands on my chest, she said, I m sorry if Imade it seem like I was accusing you of going to Mac on my behalf just to keep me here. It was a legitimate concern.I probably would have jumped to the same conclusion if I wereyou. After a long pause, I finally asked, So have you decided if you re going to take Mac up on heroffer? I need more time to think about it. I knew I had no right to be disappointed, but I was.I d wanted to believe she d jump at theopportunity to stay here and build a life with me. Is that what you told Mac? She nodded. She said it was fine, that she didn t see things getting underway until the fall. The fall.Damn.I d selfishly hoped if they decided to move forward with this, plans wouldcommence immediately. So you still plan to go back to Hartwell then? I knew the tense set of myjaw revealed my displeasure, but I couldn t help how I felt.I was frustrated.Confused.Scared. I have to, Nex. She turned away from me, walking toward the kitchen window.Looking downon the pool and my manicured back lawn with steps leading down to the lake, she said, Being herewith you is like a dream come true.A fantasy.But it doesn t feel like my life. It could be, if you wanted it to be. Now that I d had a taste of what living with her would belike, I didn t want her to move out.Ever. I have to go back to my real life, my old life.See if it still feels right to me, like the placewhere I belong. She turned to face me before sinking into a chair, dropping her face in her hands.I felt a twinge of guilt, knowing this wasn t any easier for her than it was for me.She wasn ttrying to hurt me.She just was. I guess you ll do what you have to do then. I crossed my arms,knowing my bad body language screamed defensiveness, but I couldn t suppress the urge to try toprotect myself from the possibility she could return from her hometown only to tell me it was over.That the summer helped her gain perspective and she d decided that was where she belonged afterall. I know this isn t what you want to hear, but please try to understand where I m coming from, she said, her eyes searching for a little understanding and compassion.I wished I could have given it,but it felt like my heart had already gone into self-preservation mode. This was never supposed to bepermanent, Nex.When I came here, I never expected to meet someone like you. Someone like me? I was fishing now and we both knew it, but I needed something to hold onto. Someone that I could really see a future with.Someone that I could fall in love with. Someone she could fall in love with.Not the same as saying she was already there. But we didmeet.We can t pretend it didn t happen.Does the timing suck? I shrugged my shoulders. I don tknow, maybe.Or maybe it s perfect.I don t know anything anymore.The one thing I do know is that Idon t want you to go. I don t want to go either, she said, her voice sounding tortured. You think I want to put eitherone of us through this hell? But isn t it better to figure this stuff out now instead of a few years downthe road? Was I supposed to be happy that she was mature enough to be rational, to think with her headinstead of her heart? Cause I wasn t.Not at all. Everything in my life has changed in the past month.I felt like I ve veered off the course I setyears ago.I need some time and perspective to figure out whether I even belong on that courseanymore. Sure, whatever. I could almost hear Mary s voice in my head admonishing me for acting like apetulant child instead of manning up and being the mature, supportive boyfriend Jaci needed me to be. Everything and everyone I ve ever known and loved is back in Hartwell, she said, obviouslystill desperate to make me understand. When I came to Tampa, I wasn t running away from that, justtrying to get a little distance, to try something new so I wouldn t have any regrets later on. I swallowed the bitterness that rose in my throat. So I was just part of your little experiment.Isthat what you re saying? You know it isn t. She covered her face with her hands. Please, Nex.Don t make this anyharder than it already is. You want me to make this easy for you? I grabbed my wallet, keys, and cell phone off thecounter. Fine, I ll make it easy for you. Where are you going? I need to get the hell out of here for a while.Get some of that space you keep going on about. Looking hurt, she gestured to the cooling casserole dish on the stovetop. What about dinner? I m not hungry anymore.You eat it. I knew I was being an asshole, but my mouth had a mind ofits own, and my feet seemed content to follow the path straight out the door.Even when I heard hercall after me, I kept walking.***Everything felt strained after our argument, and no matter how hard I tried, we couldn t seem tobridge the gap to reclaim the intimacy we d shared before.We talked.We shared a laugh over a mealonce in a while.We made love.But it wasn t the same as before, and before I knew it, it was time forher to leave.Exams were over.She was heading back to her other life.Leaving me behind, and giventhe distance between us, I had to wonder if she d ever want to come back. Here, I said, handing her the non-descript white envelope as she packed for the airport. What s this? she asked, turning it over with a frown. Payment for services rendered. God, I hated how cold I sounded.But when I was at risk ofbeing hurt, my defensive mechanism always prompted me to shut down completely.The flash of hurt in her eyes told me I was an even bigger jerk than I thought I was. I don t wantthis, she said, trying to hand it back to me.When I held my hands up, refusing to take it, she tossed iton the bed we d been sharing for weeks. You did a great job.You deserve to get paid. This was more than a job to me, and you know it, she said, zipping her suitcase. It may haveseemed like that when I accepted your offer, but I was here because I wanted to be here.Anything Idid for you, I did it because I wanted to, not because I was getting paid to do it. And she d done so much for me.Going above and beyond by reorganizing my closets, cleaningout my kitchen cabinets and fridge, even arranging to have the junk in my garage hauled away when Imentioned I hadn t had the time to deal with it [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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. Some things can t be replaced.People can t be replaced.Mybrothers, every one of them, are a pain in the ass sometimes, but there d be a huge hole in my heartwithout any one of them.Mac, her mom.Those are the people who matter to me.I ve got a circle offriends who matter to me, some who ve led me astray sometimes, I said, smirking, but that was halfof the fun. She smiled, nodding. And you, baby.You matter to me. I wanted to touch her, to draw her into my arms, but Iwanted to use my words to influence her this time, not my body. You matter to me too, she whispered.Setting her hands on my chest, she said, I m sorry if Imade it seem like I was accusing you of going to Mac on my behalf just to keep me here. It was a legitimate concern.I probably would have jumped to the same conclusion if I wereyou. After a long pause, I finally asked, So have you decided if you re going to take Mac up on heroffer? I need more time to think about it. I knew I had no right to be disappointed, but I was.I d wanted to believe she d jump at theopportunity to stay here and build a life with me. Is that what you told Mac? She nodded. She said it was fine, that she didn t see things getting underway until the fall. The fall.Damn.I d selfishly hoped if they decided to move forward with this, plans wouldcommence immediately. So you still plan to go back to Hartwell then? I knew the tense set of myjaw revealed my displeasure, but I couldn t help how I felt.I was frustrated.Confused.Scared. I have to, Nex. She turned away from me, walking toward the kitchen window.Looking downon the pool and my manicured back lawn with steps leading down to the lake, she said, Being herewith you is like a dream come true.A fantasy.But it doesn t feel like my life. It could be, if you wanted it to be. Now that I d had a taste of what living with her would belike, I didn t want her to move out.Ever. I have to go back to my real life, my old life.See if it still feels right to me, like the placewhere I belong. She turned to face me before sinking into a chair, dropping her face in her hands.I felt a twinge of guilt, knowing this wasn t any easier for her than it was for me.She wasn ttrying to hurt me.She just was. I guess you ll do what you have to do then. I crossed my arms,knowing my bad body language screamed defensiveness, but I couldn t suppress the urge to try toprotect myself from the possibility she could return from her hometown only to tell me it was over.That the summer helped her gain perspective and she d decided that was where she belonged afterall. I know this isn t what you want to hear, but please try to understand where I m coming from, she said, her eyes searching for a little understanding and compassion.I wished I could have given it,but it felt like my heart had already gone into self-preservation mode. This was never supposed to bepermanent, Nex.When I came here, I never expected to meet someone like you. Someone like me? I was fishing now and we both knew it, but I needed something to hold onto. Someone that I could really see a future with.Someone that I could fall in love with. Someone she could fall in love with.Not the same as saying she was already there. But we didmeet.We can t pretend it didn t happen.Does the timing suck? I shrugged my shoulders. I don tknow, maybe.Or maybe it s perfect.I don t know anything anymore.The one thing I do know is that Idon t want you to go. I don t want to go either, she said, her voice sounding tortured. You think I want to put eitherone of us through this hell? But isn t it better to figure this stuff out now instead of a few years downthe road? Was I supposed to be happy that she was mature enough to be rational, to think with her headinstead of her heart? Cause I wasn t.Not at all. Everything in my life has changed in the past month.I felt like I ve veered off the course I setyears ago.I need some time and perspective to figure out whether I even belong on that courseanymore. Sure, whatever. I could almost hear Mary s voice in my head admonishing me for acting like apetulant child instead of manning up and being the mature, supportive boyfriend Jaci needed me to be. Everything and everyone I ve ever known and loved is back in Hartwell, she said, obviouslystill desperate to make me understand. When I came to Tampa, I wasn t running away from that, justtrying to get a little distance, to try something new so I wouldn t have any regrets later on. I swallowed the bitterness that rose in my throat. So I was just part of your little experiment.Isthat what you re saying? You know it isn t. She covered her face with her hands. Please, Nex.Don t make this anyharder than it already is. You want me to make this easy for you? I grabbed my wallet, keys, and cell phone off thecounter. Fine, I ll make it easy for you. Where are you going? I need to get the hell out of here for a while.Get some of that space you keep going on about. Looking hurt, she gestured to the cooling casserole dish on the stovetop. What about dinner? I m not hungry anymore.You eat it. I knew I was being an asshole, but my mouth had a mind ofits own, and my feet seemed content to follow the path straight out the door.Even when I heard hercall after me, I kept walking.***Everything felt strained after our argument, and no matter how hard I tried, we couldn t seem tobridge the gap to reclaim the intimacy we d shared before.We talked.We shared a laugh over a mealonce in a while.We made love.But it wasn t the same as before, and before I knew it, it was time forher to leave.Exams were over.She was heading back to her other life.Leaving me behind, and giventhe distance between us, I had to wonder if she d ever want to come back. Here, I said, handing her the non-descript white envelope as she packed for the airport. What s this? she asked, turning it over with a frown. Payment for services rendered. God, I hated how cold I sounded.But when I was at risk ofbeing hurt, my defensive mechanism always prompted me to shut down completely.The flash of hurt in her eyes told me I was an even bigger jerk than I thought I was. I don t wantthis, she said, trying to hand it back to me.When I held my hands up, refusing to take it, she tossed iton the bed we d been sharing for weeks. You did a great job.You deserve to get paid. This was more than a job to me, and you know it, she said, zipping her suitcase. It may haveseemed like that when I accepted your offer, but I was here because I wanted to be here.Anything Idid for you, I did it because I wanted to, not because I was getting paid to do it. And she d done so much for me.Going above and beyond by reorganizing my closets, cleaningout my kitchen cabinets and fridge, even arranging to have the junk in my garage hauled away when Imentioned I hadn t had the time to deal with it [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]